Friday, 16 May 2014

Me And Buzz And Schnorteling


I guess when Buzz first said that Schnorteling should be in the Olympics, I kinda found it hard to see. But Buzz is like Ma Hardy’s donkey, he can only carry one thing at a time and after a while I kinda had to agree with him.

When they write about Schnorteling, they’ll write about Mr Brewster’s Bakery and Gun Store – ‘cause really, that’s where it all started.

Me and Buzz were making short work of a couple of donuts and milkshakes at Mr Brewster’s. I was telling Buzz what I’d heard about Eddie Alabaster’s hair. Apparently after Eddie’s cat had set fire to the family’s wooden shack (at least that’s what Eddie said), his Ma had tried to put the flames out with a jug full of lemonade. While she was doing that, Eddie had tried to shave his own head. So when his Ma had finally let the shack burn to the ground, she’d come home to find Eddie looking like a kid who’d got his head caught in a door.

I could see Buzz had got real interested, ‘cause he’d stopped eating his donut midway.

“Well?” Asked Buzz.

Then I told him I met Eddie Alabaster at the pharmacy collecting his Ma’s nerve tablets and he was wearing one of his Ma’s wigs.

“Which one?” Asked Buzz, completely taken in by the story – so much so, that his mouth was open and I could see the other half of the donut.

I said the one she usually wore at Christmas. The one Eddie said she wore to keep Santa happy. There are lots of stories about Ma Alabaster and Santa, but that’ll keep for another day.

“You mean the one with the….no you say it,” he says to me, ‘cause Buzz wants to hear me say it.

“Eddie was wearing his Ma’s wig, with the…”.

“Not the blue one with the holly and ivy sticking out the top?” 
Jumps in Buzz ‘cause he can’t wait to hear the rest of the story.

I tell him it was the very one but some of the holly had fallen out, so you could see Eddie’s bald head in parts.

And that’s when it happened - when Buzz Schnorteled. The milk and donuts shot out of his nose. I swear on a stack of somethings that it’s all true. Honest injun.

Mr Brewster told me and Buzz that we weren’t welcome in his store no more, and that we should have a good think about we’d just done. What we’d done is invent a new Olympic sport and that was good enough for me and Buzz.

Buzz came back to my place and we tried to make the milk and donuts come out his nose again; him eating, and me telling him the story about Eddie and his Ma’s wig.

Would you believe it? Nothing. Okay, Buzz almost choked and my Ma had to slap him on the back a few time before the donut shot across the kitchen and stuck to our wall. But nothing in the nose area. I kid you not.

Something real serious had to be done, so I packed some donuts and milk and took Buzz to sit outside Ma Alabaster’s place and wait for the Christmas-topped kid to show up.

We waited and we waited, but there was no Eddie or his Ma. Around sunset I suggested that we mosey on home but Buzz wanted to stay. Just then one of the neighbor’s came out on account that we looked mighty suspicious and we told her we were waiting on our friend, Eddie.

“You haven’t heard then?” She asked us.
I said ‘heard what?’ and she told us that Eddie was in Brimstone’s hospital on account that he’d been attacked by some birds that had tried to eat his head.

Well, that was it. Buzz’s donuts and milk shot right down his nose and over the lady’s shoes.

She shouted after us that she was gonna call the cops, but we hid for a while and nothing happened.

No one could deny that Buzz had just Schnorteled a world record of three feet and the rest.

And I could see the possibilities of Schnorteling for future generations, except that the next day when I asked Buzz about it, he was already talking about BumFizz being a sport to replace football.


Sometimes, I find it real hard to keep up with my pal. 


bobby stevenson 2014

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